It felt as if Christmas was in the balance. Then again, it has been that way for some time. Maybe it always was. For everyone.
I never felt it as a child, other than my dad telling my brother David and myself that Santa had peeped through the window and seen us fighting, and we wouldn’t be receiving any presents. Every year.
For my parents any doubts about Christmas would have been over money.
Then, for many reasons that don’t need explaining here, I was in the balance.
I moved away to Devon and it became about what time off I would get, with the staff rota often not going up until the week before - and I was still in the balance.
Then dad died. Since then it’s been different. Illnesses, people in hospital, house moves, fall-outs, money, time off, who goes where and why – every year something different.
Tell yourself it doesn’t matter, it will be over in no time, it’s just another day. You have to. Only it isn’t.
The lights in the next street twinkle but not like they used to. Many of those who made it happen no longer live anywhere. Those there now don’t take part in the same way. Each year the numbers get fewer. Ours do too.
It’s like that for most of us. Maybe not every year, but at some point. And as you get older and those around you do too, it feels as if it is the case more often – what’s lost grows bigger than what’s to come - and, if we’re honest about it, the twinkling in the distance isn’t as welcome when your own lights have cut out.
But somehow there’s always something. Something that gets you through. A new set of lights are bought. They don’t replace what is lost but they are better than nothing. The fuse is changed. It doesn’t fix the problem but it helps.
Someone or something that keeps your clock ticking comes into your life. Until it doesn’t.
Just because it’s Christmas doesn’t stop you thinking this way. Maybe it is because it is Christmas that I do.
But as long as somewhere, however far away, a light still shines – on, off, on, off, on again – there’s hope, so we turn on the music, eat, drink and be merry.
On, off, in the balance, on again… we’ll be all right. Won’t we?